Beginner's Story [1013.1999]

I went out today to practice flirting.. Mixed results, but I'm happy. Basically, I barely talked to anybody, but I got over some major fears and realized where I needed to learn more. This is not a master's story, folks, so bear with me. It's a beginner's tale.

First: a week or so ago, I hiked up this big mountain outside Atlanta. On the way down, I was so pumped with endorphins that I was saying hi to everybody I saw. That was very out of character for me, but fun. So I've started to cultivate that state when I'm in public or I'm practicing at home. I'll think about being up on that mountain, and about other times when I've felt really great. I literally surround myself in pictures where I feel good. And... well.. it's hard to be shy when you're pumped!

That's when the principle of "going first" took on meaning for me.

So this week, I've been reading First Things First by Stephen Covey. The title sums it up pretty well: focus on the most important things in your life, and the rest will take care of itself (and if you don't get around to it, so what? You got the imporant stuff).. One of his big things is to schedule your week so that each area of your life get some attention. So, I scheduled today for improving relationships: answering my backed up email, calling my family, going out to practice meeting new people.

Now I've done that in the past: chosen a day to flirt at the mall or the bookstore or whatever. And it has always been a frustrating, painful situation where I got anxious and scared and didn't talk to anyone. Yech. So this time, I did something different. I scheduled an hour on both of the days before I went out for planning and preparing.

I listened to my self-hypnosis tape (I posted the script a while back).. I wrote out some strategies for building that "pumped" state (I'm still working on my anchoring skills...).. Thought of some things to say to women, and what to look for to compliment. I realized the mall was a stupid place to go, and decided instead to visit my school (which I don't normally go to yet, because I'm only taking a half semester, starting next week).

I came in feeling great. I was in my "pumped" state. Smiled and said hi to a girl coming up the stairs. She just looked at her feet. I wasn't shooting for any particular response, so I just kept walking without a second thought.

Now this is where I should have sat down in the student union, perhaps first talking to someone already sitting down, or making eye contact, or whatever.. But I didn't. I walked around a bit, then retreated to the library.

I don't know why I do that. I mean, obviously I like to read, but I don't like it getting in the way of meeting people, and the library is a much less social place than the student lounge. But on the other hand, it was comfortable, and that's where I went.

(who said "being yourself means staying in your comfort zone?" It might have been Ross Jeffries.. In any case, something to think about..)

So: I wound up sitting down, with a book, at a table next to another table with a cute girl wearing all black and busily highlighting something with a yellow marker.

I didn't talk to her.

I sat there, reading a book, not talking to her. :) Finally, I started thinking about what would happen if I did go over there, or just got her attention, or whatever.. And suddenly, the fear hit. That old, familiar feeling of terror.

My plan didn't cover that. I was supposed to be avoiding all that with this going first business. I feel great, I talk easily and naturally... Soon whoever I'm talking to feels great.. Where'd this terror come from? Habit, I guess.

Well, I knew enough now to not fall into my usual next step.. You know, the one where I start scolding myself and whining.. I decided to do something radical (for me) and CHANGE MY STATE.

Terror... phobia.... phobia... dissociate... so: Imagine new Michal sitting across from me. Imagine him observing another Michal at another table, walking right up to an imaginary copy of that cute girl. Sure enough, the terror was gone. Even that third Michal was feeling pretty good. All of this took about ten seconds.

Then I noticed something. I was watching Michal2, who was watching Michal3, who was talking to this imaginary girl. I noticed Michal2 was only a placeholder. He wasn't doing anything except keeping me a step removed from my internal representations. The GIRL could serve the same purpose, but she was actually worth paying attention to.

I made the shift, focused on the imaginary girl's responses to the imaginary Michal. Then I peeked inside her head, imagining how she was seeing things. I nearly fell out of my chair. It was so simple, but WHAT A DIFFERENCE. That's when things like "uptime" and "feedback" and "percetual positions" took on meaning for me.

Realizations in that moment:

• She was studying for a midterm, and barely knew anyone else was in the library.
• If I chose to take her out of that, I'd damn sure better lead her somewhere nice. (Because there'd be a moment of confusion and if I didn't take control of that, she might go anywhere)
• Even though I was dressed considerably nicer than my usual self-employed hacker uniform, I still looked pretty sloppy and could do far better if I chose.
• I need to start thinking about where I want to lead people, and have a couple strategies for doing getting them there.
• Knowing that I did have the power to lead someone into a particular state is *quite* empowering - I didn't have to fear the responses I might get.. Because I could influence them, and either enjoy them or walk away.

Well, that's about it. I decided not to talk to her today. It's a small school, so I'm sure she'll be around. If not, so what? She's just some random person I happened to find attractive. I'm much more excited about what I learned... And how I can apply it next time.

That's my beginner's story. Comments?

(originally posted to the Mindlist)